‘Now I Can Rest in Christ’s Embrace’
Dragged and Drawn — A Reflection
By the Rev. Lori Cornell
Several years back I was captivated by a poem entitled, “Drag Marks”— a satirical re-creation of the poem, “Footprints in the Sand.” The poem offered me a less saccharin version of Christ’s intimate care for me and resonated in my bones. The gist of the poem: Christ carries us, but he leaves not only his footprints in the sand but our drag marks as we resist his rescue.
In John 6:44, Jesus says to his opponents, “No one can come to me unless drawn by the Father.” The Greek word for “drawn” is helkuo, which can also be translated “dragged.”
I have squamous cell carcinoma of the left lung that has metastasized throughout my body.
My cancer means that I am not, like my grandmother, going to live to be 105. I resemble her in so many ways, I was sure I was destined to repeat her history.
My targeted therapy may succeed at helping me live longer, but I know that my days are numbered. So, in the past week, at age 61, I moved into a retirement community. I have few peers and many elders with whom I congregate. My daughters and I have christened it “The Mansion.” (My gramma used “Old Folks Home,” and my parents called their retirement abode “The Big House.”)
When my daughters thought it was time for me to move from a 10-month stay at my sister’s home, they talked about moving me to three-tiered care in a retirement community. I balked at the idea. That is not my future, I thought. I am going back to my call as Lead Pastor at St. Mark’s in Spokane. It took four months of foot dragging for me to shed my pride and take ownership of a new future.
I have been stripped of my ability to drive, to live alone, and to administer my own medication. I still want my old life back. But I can’t have it. It belongs to my former self. But this is the coup de grâce. I am on the disability roster with a Scarlet “C” pinned to me.
I may have felt “blessed” before, but not now. And God and I have had words. I never smoked, I say. I walk three or more miles a day, I say. What do you want from me? I am full of reasons for why God should treat me better and take away this cancer. I don’t think that I deserve a cure more than others who suffer with chronic and terminal illness. I just don’t want to be among them.
Jesus is valiantly trying to carry me, but I kick and scream at the poor guy. What’s with genetic mutations that pop up at ages 19, 39, and 61 creating cancer, God? I lectured God on God’s ill-laid plans, and God is silent.
There is no shelter for me from stage 4 cancer; it’s in me. Of course, the reality is, all of us are eventually terminal. That’s just the way it is. It will never change. And I knock heads with God time and again. I am starving for a different ending.
And then I AM speaks. Not remotely in fire but up close and personal. “The bread that I give is my flesh for you” (John 6:51) and I am reminded that we’re not just talking metaphors anymore. Jesus has laid down his life in the grave for me. He’s been to hell and back. He has walked away from death for me. And as I kneel, my hands cupped before the table, he gives me the food that satiates and nourishes. The food that knocks my pride down as Christ places himself in my hands. He did this for me.
Now I can rest in Jesus’ embrace and stop dragging my feet. I can leave behind the past and exist in the present. I can remember the people I have loved during my too-short call at St. Mark’s, Spokane. I can spend time saying goodbye to them and commending them into the good care of my colleagues.
And now I can begin to see and know by name my fellow residents at The Mansion. Listen to their stories; maybe even write about them. Find new places to walk, and eat, and explore. Read at my leisure. I can still myself a little while and discern what God is calling me to next.
And as I kneel…he gives me the food that satiates and nourishes.
The Rev. Lori Cornell serves on the board of directors of Crossings. Until her cancer diagnosis, she had edited the Crossings’s weekly online text studies for more than 20 years. Most recently, she was senior pastor of St. Mark’s Lutheran Church, Spokane, Washington.A Lay Person Who Makes the Most of What Crossings Has to Offer
In the early 1990s, Susan Mitchell was introduced to Crossings at a workshop led by Crossings cofounder, Ed Schroeder. She describes intense exchanges between Ed and workshop participants.
Nearly 30 years passed before she attended the 2019 Crossings conference at the invitation of her friend and former pastor Bruce Modahl. She attended a conference again in 2022 and plans to attend the 2025 conference. She says the conferences are a stimulating way to continue her studies as an active lay person.
Susan is a regular participant in the monthly online Table Talk and the bi-weekly book group. The Augsburg Confession was the most recent topic for the book group. Susan says Pastor Chris Repp, who leads the discussions, claims the heart of the Confession is Article V, The Office of Ministry. According to Repp, “We only have one job, and that is to preach the Gospel and administer the sacraments.”
Susan says that’s the job she took up at age 14 when she taught Sunday school at St. Matthew Lutheran Church in Lemont, Illinois.
Hers has been a peripatetic ministry, rivaling that of St. Paul if the places he visited had names like Carbondale, Dade City, Jonesboro, Green Bay, Tampa, and Charlotte.
Susan graduated from Illinois Wesleyan with a degree in music performance. Her husband was a classmate and earned a degree in fine arts.
At first Bob and Susan’s nomadic life was due to Bob’s academic career. Bob began teaching ceramics at Southern Illinois University in Carbondale. Susan worked as a secretary in the registrar’s office. The campus pastor traveled to small parishes to lead worship and asked Susan to be the organist.
Susan says, “I learned a lot, like how to turn on a Hammond organ and how to play all sorts of instruments, including a field instrument that was brought into the Lutheran School auditorium because the church had burned down and the 32-rank pipe organ along with it.”
After a brief stint at St. Leo College in Dade City, Florida, Bob took a teaching position at Arkansas State University in Jonesboro. In early January 1973 Bob was invited to Concordia Seminary in St. Louis for an exhibit of his liturgical metalsmith works. Bob and Susan were dinner guests at what turned out to be the final faculty Epiphany dinner before the events leading to the formation of Seminex.
In Jonesboro, Susan was hired as a secretary at a bank. At the end of four years, she was promoted to operations officer and then trust officer. Subsequent promotions led to five additional moves. Each move brought new ministry opportunities.
Bob and Susan had good experiences in these various cities. She says, “When we landed in Tampa many of our skills and interests fully bloomed. We became Stephen ministers. I became an assisting minister and brought communion to the homebound. I took on the role of co-catechist. We wrote our own material because the adult catechumenate was new to the ELCA in the early 1990s. “Every Sunday from Advent through Pentecost we met with an eager adult class of new Lutherans and seasoned members, going through the liturgical year leading up to the Easter Vigil when we had one or two adult baptisms. This continued for five years.”
During her time in Tampa, she began a two-year course of study for diaconal ministry. She considered pursuing an MDiv degree to become a pastor. After prayerful consideration she realized God was not calling her to ordained ministry.
Bob and Susan retired to Las Cruces, New Mexico. They found many ways to serve at Peace Lutheran Church, their new congregation. In addition to congregational ministry, including leading the adult Bible study, Susan served six years on the Rocky Mountain Synod Council and four years as synod secretary.
Susan says she is confident that Crossings will continue to flourish. She is especially hopeful that Crossings will lead lay people into theological study and conversation. She says, “Crossings is the icing on the cake, promoting all that I have trained for.”
Thanks to You, Busy Days for Crossings
You and many others helped make the summer months a very busy time for our Crossings community. As always, this burst of productivity has been possible because of the work of dozens of volunteers and the generosity of hundreds of individuals. Here’s a sampling of what’s in play right now:
An outpouring of special gifts has enabled Crossings to redesign and relaunch its website. It is now faster and easier to find printed and video resources on the website. A “New? Start Here” tab on the home page will help those new to Crossings to understand how they can participate. You’ll also now be able to leave comments for others on the website. This website project will continue over the months ahead as essays and articles in the library are made more legible and accessible.
Another generous grant from the Neeb Family Foundation has renewed the foundation’s support for the Crossings Preaching Mentoring program (see the previous issue of Crossings Connection for details). In making the grant, the foundation noted that Crossings has honored the memory of Dr. Larry Neeb, whose passion for ministry expressed itself in many ways. Crossings has already recruited a second cohort of mentors and learners to encourage preaching that makes full use of Christ’s benefits.
Record participation and lively conversations have been the hallmarks of Table Talk, the monthly online forum that reviews and discusses essays by Crossings founders, Bob Bertram and Ed Schroeder — as well as essays and presentations by current scholars. During the spring and summer, sessions were devoted to reflecting on Seminex and its impact today.
Cathy Lessmann and the Rev. Dr. Steven Albertin continue to schedule and moderate speakers for these events. To sign up for future forums, visit our Table Talk page.
Another learning opportunity has been the Crossings Book Club, which meets every other week for 90 minutes. Led by the Rev. Dr. Chris Repp, the book club has explored works by a range of contemporary theologians as well as, this summer, the Book of Concord. To learn more and sign up for future discussions, click here.
Crossings Newsletter Staff:
Writer/Editor: Bruce Modahl
Executive Secretary: Cathy Lessmann
Executive Director: Sherman Lee
Project and Development Manager: Bethany Dreher
